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How to not die in Left4Dead.

09/25/09 @ 05:14:49 pm, Categories: Baka-chan vs. Stupid People, 1282 words, 1158 views  

Let me preface this little primer with a couple of stories. Stories involving myself, and Akkrain.

We like to play on ‘fun’ servers when we just want to screw around. These typically involve lowered gravity, massive ‘horde’ spawns, unlimited ammo with no reloading, and unlimited ‘grenades’. They also tend to be INCREDIBLY HARD on anything but Easy, just because you’re overwhelmed so easily and FF is a bitch in those situations.

This allows you to follow interesting strategies on campaign finales as well as avoid many ‘Event’ scenarios. Because of this, we tell anyone joining our game to NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, start an event unless we tell them to. Because, chances are, THAT WILL KILL THE WHOLE GROUP.

Story 1 — In which Baka avenges judiciously.

We’re at the ‘crane’ event on the rooftops on the ‘Dead Air’ campaign. Me and Akkrain are already safely across to the other rooftop when some brain donor starts the event. We both yell something along the lines of “Oh you’re fucking dead", just before the whole group is swarmed by zombies and shit from every direction.

Baka ain’t havin it. I fight my way through all this shit to get to him… Akkrain’s dying, the bot fell off the fucking roof or something, I’m torn up, and this shit is about to get killed with or without my help: He’s murdered us. That’s when I unload into his face with my Uzi until he’s dead, and drop a molotov. Just before the horde finally hits the rooftop like a tsunami. “TOTALLY WORTH IT!” I said, as my character is torn limb from limb by hundreds of zombies. Needless to say, he was incapacitated and left in the saferoom as bait when the level restarted.

Story 2 — In which Baka educates a motherfucker.

Occasionally we’re forced, by dire circumstances or just our distrust in the bots ability to not get us all killed, to kill an AI-controlled character and take their supplies. (Usually because a real person needs a medkit, or we don’t want the AI to waste it.)

Akkrain is torn the fuck up, he needs a medkit badly. I find one, and call him over. (I already have one so I can’t pick it up.) One of the AI-controlled characters comes over to me, walks away, and then…totally inexplicably and just as Akkrain was about to get to me…takes the fucking medkit and runs off. Akkrain gets there and goes “Where’s the kit?” and I say “The fucking bot just took it!” and take off after it. I corner it and blow him away. Then, as Akkrain is catching up, the OTHER PLAYER comes and takes it. I go “Why?” “Why would you do that?” “You just watched me waste the bot for doing EXACTLY THAT.” Response? “fu” That’s when I aerated his face with buckshot and Akkrain finally got the fucking kit.

Story 3 — In which a unanimous decision is reached.

This fucking guy runs for the safehouse and goes and hides in there. Me and Akkrain make our way to the building the safehouse is in, laying down a wall of fire in our wake. We decide to go back and rescue the player who had died earlier and are just waiting for the flames to subside. By the time they do, he has de-spawned, making the whole thing moot. And that would have been it, except… The remaining random player, who was playing as Louis has spent the whole time running around in the safehouse while the AI has had Louis yelling “GUYS GET IN THE SAFEHOUSE, CLOSE THE DOOR” constantly, does something really not smart: Annoys us even further. He stands in the safehouse door, behind me, and says “WHY WONT ANYONE FOLLOW LOUIS ADVICE???”

I have to admit, my first impulse was to blow his fucking head off…and I’m the MODERATE ONE. I turn to see where Akkrain is… He’s standing right next to me, looking at me. And as if I needed any confirmation that we were thinking the same exact thing, we both turn and start emptying our autoshotties into Louis’ face, and kept shooting, without pause or hesitation, until he was quite dead. And I go “Just for saying something SO FUCKING STUPID.” and the guy ragequits the game. Me and Akkrain have a big laugh about it, and then get in the safehouse and close the door.

Story 4 — In which Baka takes you with him.

So, we were having a pretty hard time with the town on the Death Toll campaign. It was always one thing or another. Like accidentally aggroing a Witch in the middle of a horde rush, only to turn a corner and spawn a fucking Tank… Anyway, there was a player who we weren’t having any trouble with, and then…well…

We had just climbed out of the church’s second story window at the start of the level, and were mopping up the streets. After it quiets down, I look back, and he’s still standing up in the window… I stare at him for a few seconds, and that’s when he opens up on me with his M16. As I realize he’s trying to kill me, and he’s about to incapacitate me, I throw a molotov, getting it off just as I get incapped. Being that I’m fucking god-like with the things, it’s no wonder that it crashed against the back wall of the safehouse just as he retreated inside…drowning him in a lake of fire, incapacitating and killing him. He then ragequit.


How to NOT DIE in Left4Dead:

If you do something stupid — we will kill you.
If you say something stupid — we will kill you.
If you can’t spell — we will kill you.
If you pose a threat to us — we will kill you.
If you waste supplies — we will kill you.
If we decide you just aren’t very smart — we will kill you.
If we think your name is dumb — we will kill you.
If you use VOIP and your voice is annoying — we will kill you.
If you don’t listen to what we tell you to do — we will kill you.
If you fuck with us — we will kill you.
If you get us killed — we will kill you.
If we generally feel like it — we will kill you.

In fact, you are going to have to work very hard to stay alive, and I’m not talking about the zombies.

Do you understand? Because if you don’t — we will kill you.

We are better than you.
We know what we are doing.
We will remember.

There was some guy last week, really fucking stupid. But since he was only posing a danger to himself I let it slide, I didn’t have to save him after all, right? What tipped it was Akkrain commenting that his name was dumb, which it was. So we killed him and he cursed up down left and right. Said all this shit about how we’d better fucking rescue him, blah blah blah. So we did…so we could kill him again. He ragequit. A week later, he shows up again. We’re in the safehouse at the beginning of the level, and I turn and waste him, saying “I remember you, fucker.” and he quit.

You won’t get away with it. So how about not playing like a mental defective, and not doing something so stupid as to fuck with us? We’ll all get along much better that way. On second thought, just don’t play Left4Dead. There’s no ‘moron’ in ‘Teamwork’, moron.


nani sore?
A peek inside the mad, mad, mind of Baka-chan. Animator, artist, hater of stupid people, and evil genius. Look upon the undoing of all order in the universe, and tremble.
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